Fear and anxiety are universal experiences of human beings and in the Buddhist culture there’s an interesting phrase with metaphor that is often used to address and manage one’s fears: “Invite your fear in for tea.” In my very early years as a psychotherapist, I began my career as both the Executive Director and full-time therapist establishing the first mental health center in a northern county of Tennessee, adjacent to Kentucky.
One of the very first individuals I consulted with was a 4 ½ year old youngster, who we will call Johnny. Johnny’s father was in the medical profession and spoke to me one day at the hospital because he was very worried about his son’s health due to his fear of eating any solid food. Apparently, this incident happened when Johnny had bitten off a large piece of apple which got stuck in his throat. Understandably, this was very frightening to Johnny and since the incident johnny had essentially refused to eat any solid food. The physician and his wife had concocted several energy nutritional drinks, but their son continued to lose weight, and therefore the physician asked me if I would help their son and of course I agreed to see him first thing the next morning. I had never dealt with this type of issue, but I have begun to think of a couple of possible options.
Early the next morning I visited two or three grocery stores looking for the largest, prettiest red apple that I could find. Finally, I found it and went to my office, and it was not long after that Johnny arrived and immediately he saw the huge bright red apple sitting on my desk. Johnny immediately commented, with a frightened look on his face “did I know that he choked on a big piece of apple…. I felt I was going to die!” I said “yes, and that must’ve been really scary!” Little Johnny continued, “I’m really afraid to eat anything now.” I empathetically nodded with him. We talked probably for 20 minutes about everything that was interesting to Johnny and then I said: “Johnny, if I can do something magical with this apple, I don’t think you would be afraid of it.” He looked at me curiously, and I further stated, “if I can place this apple in my hands and break it in half (sort of like in Karate) would you eat ½ this apple while I ate the other half”?
For about a half a minute he studied the proposition and smiled at me and said I don’t think you can break the apple in two pieces”! Well I confessed to Johnny (I really believe it’s so important to always be honest with a client) that I never attempted to break an apple in half, but my son and I we’re just becoming involved in martial arts and I said I don’t know if I can break it in half but if I did will you eat your half of the apple as I eat my half? He affirmatively answered yes! (Now here was the challenge could I do it… I never had, but I believed I could).
I confidently picked up the apple and said to the apple I think I’m going to split you into two so that my friend Johnny can enjoy this delicious apple as well as myself. Johnny was absolutely focused on the apple and especially the way I held the apple and so I intensely focused on the apple…. mustering all the energy I had, and I perceived the apple broken and then I grabbed tightly and slightly twisted my hands, and suddenly there was a loud snap, and the apple was split in two. We both were surprised! I handed Johnny his half of the apple and I took a bite out of mine and said now it’s important to eat this whole half apple one little bite at a time and not to be in a hurry. Also, I had a little bottle of water for each of us as we nibbled away on the apple for 15 minutes or so, that is until only the core was left! We talked a lot about eating and enjoying what we eat, savoring the flavor etc. As we finished up, Johnny was excited to walk out and show his mom and dad the tiny core that was left of the huge apple. That was the only time I saw this cute, pleasant young man, who skipped along with his parents as they walked out of my office. A few weeks later in conversation with his parents, I came to understand that Johnny did not have any further eating problems, but he was much slower and deliberate when he ate, especially when he ate large red apples!
The moral of the story….Invite your fears to come have dinner! You will be surprised how much you will grow and become a better version of you!
Tim Lynch PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist
