Respect the Ex? Are you kidding me? Some of you are saying to yourself, “You don’t know my ex.” That is true – I do not know your ex-wife or ex-husband; however, what I DO know is that kids in post-divorce families greatly benefit from their parents being respectful to one another.
When kids come off the basketball court and have divorced parents in the stands, sometimes they don’t know who to go and hug first. Often an inner voice says, “If I hug my mom first, that might make my dad mad. If I hug my dad first, my mom will get her feelings hurt.” Some kids live in emotional fear of causing a fight or experiencing an embarrassing situation after the basketball game, because their divorced parents don’t know how to act responsibly in public.
What about when it comes to Mother’s Day and Father’s Day? If you are in a post-divorce family, then the shared children may need some assistance getting ready for the upcoming holiday. If you are each a single parent, then it might be a nice gesture to offer to take your kids shopping for a gift for the other parent during your time. When kids are encouraged to love and enjoy their relationship with their “other parent” they will grow up and thrive!
Unfortunately, sometimes ex-spouses will use holidays as an opportunity to sabotage the other parent. Where they might have taken the kids to get a Mother’s Day or Father’s Day gift in the past, now they decide not to and they might even create a big event that is interesting to the children, to try and draw them away from their mom on Mother’s Day or from their dad on Father’s Day. Playing games and emotionally manipulating the children is one of the cruelest things a divorced parent can do. The parent might think they are “getting back” at the other parent; however, the one who hurts the most and is impacted with the most difficult outcomes, is the child.
This year, as the special holidays are approaching, consider ways you can show respect to the other parent as a “gift” to your shared children. Kids are always watching and observing and experiencing how the parents talk, what the body language is like and what the emotional temperature is when divorced parents are around each other. Could this year, 2024, be the beginning of something positive and intentional so that your shared children can have your permission to like and love their other parent? Only you can decide and that one decision has the potential to make a life-long difference for your children. Choose well.
Tammy Daughtry, MFT and Founder of CoParenting International.
