There are some universal rules of parenting every parent should know. These are not necessarily rules you want to follow! They are simply rules that apply to the process of parenting. Gravity for example, is not a rule we always want to follow but is a rule that applies regardless of how we feel about it. Also note, these rules are somewhat tongue-in-cheek.
1. No parent knows what they are doing.
We really want a universal guide book to the right way to parent children, but it simply doesn’t exist. There may be better or worse, or wiser or less wise options, but no clear cut right options. Every parent has to do their best to figure it out. This is also why oldest children tend to have a very different experience than those that follow. They are the first test subject. The further apart in age younger children are, the more likely they are to have a slightly different experience as parents work out strategies and practicalities.
2. Every parent does what was done to them except for the things they swore they’d never do.2.
The problem is you spend 18-20 years being parented while your brain is being shaped and formed. As a child, you don’t know that’s a parenting strategy, you just think this is how things are. When you become a parent, these seemingly obvious rules rise to the surface. Of course, if your spouse grew up with different rules, then many arguments occur about who is more right. Of course, Rule 1 applies and the truth is it is more about our personal experience than what is truly right.
3. Parents who have compliant children think they are good parents and parents who have non-compliant children think they are bad parents.
Parenting is often more about what kid you get than how good you are at parenting them. Some children tend to seek the approval of their parents, are predisposed to be respectful, and rule followers. These children make us feel like we are winning at parenting. Then we have a child who is predisposed to be independent, want to figure things out on their own, and needs people to earn their trust rather than just give it. These strong-willed children exasperate their parents to no end as they can simply refuse to do what they are told. That makes us feel like we are terrible parents as we find ourselves being more forceful or angry that we want to in order to get our child do to what we want them to.
4. Every parent screws up their children like themselves.
You don’t try to do this, but it happens anyway. It is well documented that issues in families get passed down from generation to generation. Every family struggles in particular ways. Arguing too much in front of your kids or never arguing in front of your kids both create impairments. If someone doesn’t help us do something different, we just keep doing the things we do. Our kids witness this and adopt our patterns and impairments. We do our best, but be comforted in knowing that you are the only one to pass on bad things to your kids. Every parent does.
5. Every child needs a perfect parent and all they got was you.
Parenting is an inherently flawed process because we are raised by humans. Humans are flawed and imperfect. You do not need to feel shame that you will impair your children if you know you’ve done the best you can to help them be the best they can. Your child can only do their best. You are the model of just doing the best you can. Besides, it is far easier to love perfectly than behave perfectly. And the love you have for your child will have a far greater impact in their life than you simply doing “right” parenting things.
—Aron Strong, LMFT Aron is the founder of Pathways Counseling. He is also the co-founder of inRelationship, a company that provides talks, trainings, workshops, courses, and other resources the public, therapists and other professional counselors, churches, and corporations on topics of relationships, emotions, empathic engagement, restoring intimacy and connection, faith, and more. You can connect with inRelationship at inRelationship.us
