When kids live through the dissolution of their parents’ marriage, they experience what we call the “loyalty bind” that often makes it hard to be honest about their feelings. When kids are with their mom, they may not feel they can talk about their dad and when they are with their dad, they can’t talk about their mom. Often, they pick up emotional “cues” from each parent when they get upset or say something harsh about the other parent. Kids will internalize the words they hear about each other and if they are negative, they really feel the sting of those words.
Handoffs are hard on everyone – the time that bio parents meet to exchange the kids and quite often these are met with emotional triggers for everyone.
Here are a few ideas to help the children have a stress-free experience:
- Bring a friend or fun family member with you to the handoff so that when you wave goodbye to your children, you have someone to go to dinner with or see a movie. Waving goodbye is an on-going experience for coparents, but it is especially difficult during the holidays; having a third party along for the ride can be a positive distraction for everyone.
- When you say goodbye to the kids, don’t say “I am going to miss you” – instead, say “I know you will have fun and I look forward to seeing you when you come back.” The second phrase is much easier for kids to experience without feeling guilty about being away from their parents.
- Plan to do something meaningful each day of the week when your kids are at the other parent’s home. Being intentional with your time will not only make it easier on you, but it will also be fun to share with your kids when you speak by phone. *Kids don’t need emotional stress worrying about their other parent being alone – that is not their job.
- Consider how you can serve others when the kids are away. Many non-profits have a variety of ways you can volunteer during the holidays to serve others. Try to serve each year, with and without your kids. Not only is that a great distraction from the alone time, but it makes an important difference for other people.
- Make a “fun plan” for the actual holiday – consider opening your home to other single parents or older adults who may not have any family nearby. A day of eating, playing board games and maybe even enjoying a holiday movie together is a wonderful way to create connections with others in a similar season of life.
- Enjoy celebrating each holiday with your kids, even if they are on other days of the week. Kids love the experience of the holidays and quite honestly, kids don’t care if the gifts come to them on Christmas Day or on December 20th or Jan 2nd –
– be creative and intentional to allow your shared children to enjoy BOTH sides of their family. Use words of affirmation and encouragement to be positive about all the experiences they will have at the “other house” – they will appreciate the freedom to love everyone… that is THE best gift for children of divorced homes.
A companion on the coparent pathway,
Tammy Daughtry, MMFT / Founder, CoParenting International. For more info and free articles, see www.CoParentingInternational.com
Tammy Daughtry, Founder of Coparenting International / For more information and co-parent classes for parents, see www.CoParentingInternational.com
