After dinner, your four-year-old daughter runs over to you with tears streaming down her face and yells, “Mommy, it’s not fair! Why did Jason get a larger piece of cake than I did? Meanwhile, your six-year-old son is happily munching away, completely oblivious to the cake scandal.
Sound familiar? If you’ve got more than one kid, you’ve probably lived through countless versions of this scene. Here’s what I’ve learned after years of parenting: Fair doesn’t mean equal. We need to help our children understand this truth at an early age. It’s a game-changer because, after all, life isn’t fair.
This is how kids think: they count, measure, and compare everything. It seems logical that love should be divided equally like slices of cake. If it’s not fair, this can cause sibling rivalry, which can plant the seed of jealousy in their hearts.
How does God do “Fair”?
Think about Jesus’ parable of the workers in the vineyard (Matthew 20:1-16). Some worked all day, others just one hour, but everyone got paid the same. The all-day workers were furious! “That’s not fair!” Sounds like jealousy to me.
But the vineyard owner said something powerful: “Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Or are you envious because I am generous?”
God gives us what we need, not necessarily what others get. He looks at our hearts, circumstances, and unique needs, then responds accordingly. When we parent like God does, we’re teaching our kids something beautiful about His character.
Real-Life “Unfair” Moments (and How to Handle Them)
The Homework Helper Dilemma
Your 4th grader needs 45 minutes of help with math every night. Your 6th grader finishes homework independently. Guess who complains? “Why does Jake get all your attention?”
Try this: “Sarah, I’m so proud that you can do homework on your own! Jake needs extra help with math right now, just like you needed extra help learning to ride your bike. When you need me, I’ll be there too.”
The Bedtime Battle
Your teenager stays up until 10 PM. Your eight-year-old’s bedtime is 8:30 PM. Cue the protests: “Why can’t I stay up as late as Jessica?”
Try this: “Your body is still growing and needs more sleep than Jessica’s. Right now, I’m giving you exactly what your body needs to be healthy and strong.”
The Magic Words That Change Everything
Instead of scrambling to make everything perfectly equal, try these conversation starters:
- “I’m not trying to make things equal. I’m trying to give each of you what you need.”
- “Tell me why that feels unfair to you.”
- “Can you trust that I love you both, even when things look different?”
Use words of wisdom. Children can understand more than we give them credit for. When 7-year-old Amy needed glasses, her 5-year-old brother Brian was jealous. “I want glasses too! Why does Amy get something special, and I don’t?”
Instead of buying glasses to keep things “equal,” Brian, you need to understand that Amy’s eyes need help to see clearly. Your eyes work perfectly! God made Amy’s body to need glasses and your body to have strong eyes. God provides us with what we need.
Through reasoning, Brian understood that his sister needed the glasses. It wasn’t a matter of fairness. It was a matter of necessity.
A Peaceful Outcome
When we teach our kids that fair doesn’t mean equal, something wonderful happens:
They stop competing for our love. Instead of fighting for identical treatment, they start trusting that we see their unique needs.
They develop empathy. They begin noticing when others need extra help or grace, just like they sometimes do.
They understand God better. They see that God’s love isn’t measured in equal portions but in perfect provision for each person’s needs.
Let’s practice
This week, when you hear “That’s not fair!” try this approach:
Pause. Don’t immediately defend your decision or rush to even things out. Ask them why they think it isn’t fair. This helps them to become critical thinkers.
Explain your heart. “I gave Tommy extra help because he was struggling. You’re doing great!”
Affirm their uniqueness. “God made you so capable and independent!”
What a Blessing!
God gave you wonderfully different children, each with their own personality, strengths, and needs. What a blessing! You get to discover what makes each one unique and love them in the way they need most. That’s the joy of parenting. Just like God sees each of us with perfect love and provides exactly what we need, we can parent our children the same way. Some days that means extra hugs for the sensitive one, firmer boundaries for the strong-willed one, or more patience for the one who’s struggling, helping them to see their individuality as something to praise and not become the cause of sibling conflict. It’s the kind of love that changes hearts and builds strong families.
Lee Ann Mancini is the author of Raising Kids to Follow Christ: Instilling a Lifelong Trust in God, founder of Raising Christian Kids, adjunct professor at South Florida Bible College & Theological Seminary, and executive producer of the animated series Sea Kids on Right Now Media, Pure Flix, Answers.tv, Minno, and Yippee. Lee Ann is the mother of two adult children and lives with her husband in South Florida, where she passionately pursues her calling to help parents raise lifelong Christ-followers.
