It’s as if God said, “I think you need to walk in her shoes for the next three nights.”
God speaks to me in my dreams. In fact, the plan for Blue Monarch came to me in a powerful dream, which eventually turned into a successful, residential recovery program for women and their children.
But this dream I could have done without. When it began, I was getting booked for some crime. I had just undergone a humiliating body search, leaving me embarrassed and violated. The ink on my fingertips made me think, “Now I’m just a number.”
I stood for a mug shot, holding my number in front of me while fighting back tears, and imagined my photo in the local paper where everyone would see it. The shame was unbearable.
Even though I didn’t seem to know what crime I had committed, I felt intense humiliation. The officers looked at me with total indifference and then realized I had become completely insignificant. They were joking among themselves because this was just another day at the office for them but a crisis for me.
I woke up in a cold sweat, relieved to discover I was at home in my own bed. The entire day I was afraid my dream was a warning I was about to get into some kind of trouble. It was so real!
The next night another dream remarkably picked up where the last one left off. I was back in jail and could smell the stale odor of too many bodies in an enclosed space with still air. They handed me the orange jumpsuit and “whites” I had to wear, and I could only imagine who and how many had worn them before. Drip-by-drip, I was becoming a nobody. A worthless nobody.
I was taken to my cell, which I would share with a stranger, and right off the bat I realized there was no privacy. The nasty toilet was out in the open for the whole world to see. At that point I wanted to disappear. I felt empty and hopeless, and even crying didn’t seem to make it better. I looked around and realized there was no place to get away from my feelings.
Then I woke up.
The fact I had this sort of dream two nights in a row was really unsettling. Surely, I was about to get arrested for something – but for what?
The third night picked up right where the last dream left off. Except this time the humiliation and shame accelerated to a whole new level. Several of us were lined up to go into court. Our hands and feet were shackled together while taking baby steps and lined up like cattle.
When we entered the courtroom I was mortified. I was especially embarrassed to be in public without any makeup, and my highlights were beginning to grow out leaving ugly dark roots. (I know, I feel pretty shallow admitting it…) The orange jumpsuit I wore was soiled, and from what, I was afraid to know. The white t-shirt underneath was more of a dingy grey color, and my scratchy socks had holes in them that were visible in the oversized plastic shoes.
As we marched into the courtroom, I immediately recognized people who looked shocked to see me. Others were friends and family members who appeared angry, disappointed, hurt, and even humiliated, which I knew I had caused.
No words are strong enough for what I felt. The deep regret, the excruciating heartache, the agonizing shame, the anger toward myself, and the extreme hopelessness were so intense I thought I might pass out. I cried and then struggled to wipe my eyes, which was hard to do with my hands connected to my feet, so I just let the tears just run down my face.
Thankfully, at this point I woke up. I sat on the edge of my bed just struggling to understand why I had been taken on this terrible journey over the past three nights. What could it mean? Lord, what are you trying to tell me?
As time passed, I was relieved to see that my dreams were not prophetic and didn’t come back, but they taught me a lot. God needed me to feel firsthand what the women of Blue Monarch have experienced, and I learned:
- The journey out of hopelessness can feel impossible so they need to be encouraged.
- Shame is painful so we should praise them for even the smallest accomplishments.
- It’s tempting to become hardened and indifferent to not appear weak and vulnerable, so we must be patient.
In my dreams I never knew what crime I had committed, which was a little puzzling. But as I prayed for further understanding of these graphic dreams, God pointed out to me the most valuable lesson of all: He doesn’t care what the crime was!
What’s important to God is that we understand we are new creations through Christ and that the old self is gone. And THAT is what we must never forget to teach the amazing women we serve. Only then does the shame truly go away. After all, in God’s eyes no one is ever a nobody. Not ever.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old is gone, the new has come!
2 Corinthians 5:17 NIV
Susan Binkley, Founder and President, Blue Monarch – www.bluemonarch.org
