When I close my eyes, I can still feel the paranoia that somebody is about to hurt me and the pain of the things that were done to me. Walking with Jesus and for God is the best decision I ever made because that pain hurts a little bit less every day, and the paranoia is almost completely gone. You’re never really going to get past the pain and the embarrassment of the shame of what happened and what you’ve done (or was done to you) when you were an addict. All you can do is heal from the things that broke you, from the things that traumatized you, and from the things that keep you up at night with regret, which always is followed by overwhelming shame because that’s not who you know deep down that you are.
Looking back on everything I have been through and where I’m headed in my life, I know that God was with me the whole time he had to have been. I decided to share my story with you guys because I know what it’s like to be right in the middle of my addiction and in the chains that held me down in one spot, which at times seemed impossible to escape. Starting from the beginning will help me give an accurate insight into my life. I am sharing this because I hope it will help somebody find hope and a way out.
I’ve always struggled to fit into one crowd. I have an IQ of 157 so connecting with other people has always been a problem for me. You need a problem solved; I’m your guy, and I’ll find a way to accomplish it. You put three people in front of me, and you ask me to identify their emotions; that’s where I’m going to fail you. Don’t get me wrong, I have gotten a lot better at reading how others are feeling and understanding what that means, but I still need to improve at it.
I was 13 and trying to form connections in places I had no business trying to create; because of that, I unintentionally caused myself some severe anxiety, PTSD, and bad depression. I could never figure out why nobody wanted to be my friend or be with me. I felt like I was the only person of my kind, which caused me a sort of alienation ideology about my life. As a direct result of that, the depression got a hold of me hard, and I started self-harming. It was the only way that I could stop the feelings I had of worthlessness and pain that I had inside of me.
My mother found me once on her front porch; looking back at it today, I can’t imagine what she was going through, and I will forever be sorry for the pain that I caused her on that day. She did the best she could at the time to help me, it was to get me some professional help. In doing this, they prescribed me a medication called Adderall. I thought my life was terrible before that drug. I had no idea everything would crash before me, even worse than I already had it.
This drug that I was taking at first made me feel like a zombie. I couldn’t think like I usually did, speak like I normally did, and I just felt like I was on autopilot all the time and stuck inside a shell of the old me. I’m going to Fast forward a little bit from here; After a couple of years of taking this medication, I no longer felt like a zombie. On the contrary, I started having extreme bursts of energy, and my stamina and motivation were more outstanding than they ever had been in my entire life. I liked the feeling it gave me; I felt invincible and like I could finally grasp everything around me at a light-year speed.
One morning, I was running late for school, so I had to take my medicine at school; I never should have done that. A couple of kids saw me take it and asked me what it was and I told them. Suddenly, I had 50 people who wanted to be my friend. It wasn’t long before they asked me for my Adderall, and I didn’t want to lose the new friends that I gained, so I shared it. I didn’t find out until later, but apparently, everyone wanted this medication. The problem here? Was that now, so was I. I felt that feeling of acceptance and that I had found a place where I had finally fit in, that feeling was intoxicating.
It wasn’t until I was 25 that I realized that going through 90 of those pills in a three day. It wasn’t normal. In fact, it was dangerous, like life-threateningly dangerous. At this point in my life, I slept maybe an hour a night. I was having severe hallucinations from the lack of sleep, and I was at about 140 lbs because Adderall takes your appetite and strips it down to nothing. So, I went to rehab because I was desperately seeking help getting away from it. And I had heard that it is dangerous to try and wean yourself off a drug like that, without medical assistance.
I had three kids from my previous marriage, which I don’t want to get into because it was a disaster, but I got three beautiful children out of it. Isabella is now 15; my son Brelon, who is now 12; and my baby, youngest, who is now 11.
After I was clean for Adderall, I reconnected with a guy who I used to go to school with; he was one of the popular ones, so of course, he wouldn’t look in my direction. The difference here? He was now. I used to have a massive crush on him in high school, but I never knew how to express it because of how my brain works. I don’t want to get into who he is and what his name is right now because I don’t want to put him on blast like that. He handed me a glass pipe one time. I didn’t know what it was or what was in it, but I was trying to connect with the guy, so I smoked with him. I later found out that what I was smoking was meth. I didn’t know at the time that I did it, though, or I would not have done it. That gave me almost the same feeling that I got from taking my Adderall, which was a trigger to me and my addiction to Adderall. I was hooked after that.
The relationship between me and this guy lasted for so many years. Years of manipulation, backstabbing, more lies than I can keep track of, and nightmarish abuse that I still suffer from today. During that relationship, I suffered more injuries than I can count. It wasn’t just me that went through that time; it was my kids as well. I will forever be regretful; that is the kind of thing that keeps you up at night knowing that your kids were in that and wasn’t just you.
Do you want to talk about things keeping you up at night? That is definitely one of mine. If you have ever done drugs like this before, then you know that the world that we live in is different from the world that everybody else exists in. Technically, yes, it’s the same area in the same town and everything, but we know it differently than they do know the darker, horrific side. Where you could see a child playing in the front yards and saying that is so cute; people like us get stressed because we know there’s probably a predator looking somewhere for that child and watching her play.
Here’s just a tiny example: say you see someone and they are super hyper and appear to be super wired, but you don’t know the world that I’m talking about. It would be super easy for someone who doesn’t know that darker side of the world to write it off as too much caffeine or even too much sugar. We, however, see something totally different; we see an addict looking for the next high, or we see an addict with too much in their system.
I’ll tell you what, though, is that once you get out of that world, you begin to appreciate the sober life in ways that you never thought you could. The time that I spent on the street after the tornado devastated our little town, I hit the drugs was pretty brutal. I was engulfed in hopelessness and depression, and I felt as though there was no hope. This is actually one of the reasons many people turn to some mind-altering substance. We’re just looking for peace in the darkness, peace in the sea of loneliness, just peace…
I began to travel and do things I knew I should not have done. I knew deep down that I should not have left my kids at my mom’s, but I felt myself spiraling out of control, and I did not want that life for them. So at the time, I did the best thing I thought I could to protect them. A spiral in which I felt that I had no control over rushing down, and then I couldn’t escape from yet. I just wanted them to be safe.
When you become involved with higher-up people on the other side of the sober world, that’s when the danger gets 10 times more intense. Would you want your kids in that world? I sure didn’t. That is when the PTSD and the trauma will overtake your life later on. I wouldn’t say I like to talk about my time on the streets very often because it’s painful and there is a load of shame and regret that comes with it. It’s like waking up a sleeping baby. It’s better just to let it sleep for a little longer.
I will tell you this, the drugs were like chains, trapping who I knew I was on the inside, I feel like she was screaming to be heard, she just couldn’t talk. I wish there were someone who had been through this before and had told me their story and how they got free so that I could take the steps to help myself. Unfortunately, there wasn’t; I had to learn the hard way.
Here’s another thing nobody tells you: once you start doing drugs, it’s like your mind stops maturing as you age while on the drugs. When I got sober, it’s like I picked up where I was at 19 again, and you don’t understand how the world changes and how mature you’re supposed to be in your 30s, so that was fun to learn. Also, I was in my late 20s before I grasped the concept that to have money, you need to work for it.
Not to mention the overwhelming waves of confusion, loneliness, and depression when the drugs wore off. Trust me when I tell you, it’s not easy, but my friend, it is worth it! I am no longer a victim; I am no longer a stranger to Christ, and I am no longer in the chains of my addiction. I am saved; I reached for him with everything inside of me, and for the first time in my life, besides my mom and my kids, he reached back. It’s like he wrapped me in this blanket of love and acceptance and wanted to have a relationship with me.
I feel pretty confident in expressing to you the dangers of addiction. Addiction is not something that can be compared to a textbook example scenario. Addiction comes in many forms and affects many, many people. If you are struggling my friend, I feel you, I understand your fears, they are valid. God has a plan for your life; he had a plan for mine.
I am now about to graduate with my Associate’s degree in Theology: AA Biblical Studies, and I am about to change my major to psychology for my bachelor’s. With that, I plan on helping people because there is no way I went through everything I have gone through to bury it. I believe that God has a bigger plan for me and wanted me to understand so that I can teach and relate. I plan on being a psychologist and owning my own practice, specializing in addiction.
I am in the waitress that brings you your food at your favorite restaurant. I am within the cashier in which you pay, for your gas at the gas station. I am tempting the pharmacy tech that fills your prescriptions at your local pharmacy. I am buddies with the manager at the grocery store down the street. I have chained the mother in which helps carpool kids to school in an unreachable place. You’ve seen me within the disgruntled ex-employee at your local bank. You’ve even noticed me within the night shift employees at your mental health facilities. I am the forced connection you formed because you couldn’t connect elsewhere. I am addiction, and I am everywhere!
Written In the First Person By Paige
If You Or Anyone You Know Would Like To Contact Paige, email [email protected]
