That moment would make a perfect Norman Rockwell illustration where every item is a piece of a larger story.
The driver was a dark-haired woman, whose hands were fiercely gripped on the steering wheel. Her face was pressed forward as if doing so might get her to her destination faster – like a runner at the finish line. Her car had broken down and two boys, in their best church clothes, were pushing it from the back. The incline was steep, so they were pushing with all their strength. A crying baby was in the back seat.
They only had a few more yards before turning into the church parking lot. Several men with their families swerved around them, completely ignoring this woman’s struggle. I couldn’t decide if they were embarrassed for her or if they simply didn’t care.
The look on this mom’s face was frustration, exhaustion, and humiliation. But the expression that rose to the top was sheer determination. She was not giving up and she had made up her mind to be a fighter. She had grit.
This woman worked for me. When I ran a horse farm years ago, I always hired a woman as my live-in farm manager and when Julie took the job, she was married to a musician and had a small baby. But her husband soon left her and their infant – as well as his two children from a previous marriage. So, this incident just trying to take her newly structured family to church on a normal Sunday was just one more undeserved setback. It was probably tempting to give up.
That moment and the expression on Julie’s face made a permanent impression. And I often see that same look on the faces of the women we serve at Blue Monarch.
Just the other day, I found one of our moms down by the bus stop at the end of our driveway with her son. When she turned around, there was that “Julie look.” She was frustrated, exhausted, and embarrassed. Her son was refusing to walk home after getting off the bus and this standoff had been going on for a while. She was exasperated and close to tears. I’m sure it was tempting to revert to old discipline patterns that we don’t allow at Blue Monarch. It didn’t help that it was freezing cold, and her son was refusing to budge, even though he was clearly uncomfortable.
Despite all the other emotions, the one that rose to the top was determination. Sheer grit. She was still willing to put forth the extra effort and apply the parenting methods she had learned at Blue Monarch that have proven to work – even if they take lots of time and patience to get there.
The next day, I saw that “Julie look” again. Another mom has a daughter who is adorable. Her personality is charming. However, there’s a very difficult side to this girl that is surprising because it’s in such a cute package. And because of her behavior, she’s often sent home from pre-school in the middle of the day. Once again, this child had to be picked up because she was misbehaving.
“How many times has she been sent home?” I asked.
“This is the eighth time,” the mom said. And there it was. The look. She was frustrated, exhausted, and humiliated. But with tears she said, “I am going to get this. I am not giving up.”
Times like these, many moms would turn to drugs to cope if they were not at Blue Monarch with a supportive team to help. It’s the perfect storm. Here is a mother who probably never saw healthy parenting growing up and may have been taught to use drugs by her own parents. She becomes an adult and has a child, but she’s addicted to drugs and has no experience parenting sober. Then, because of what the child goes through, he develops behaviors that are difficult to manage. And because of the chaos both have experienced, neither feels an attachment toward the other in the way most of us take for granted.
Let’s add another element to that storm. We have become spoiled to taking the easy route. We no longer do math, make change, remember a phone number, read a map, or correctly spell a word. We are becoming lazy problem solvers. Our world is out of balance because in cases like the ones I just described, they must have the strength to fight. There is no easy way. It takes gut-wrenching, hard work and grit.
I believe we sometimes long for a mountaintop experience, but we are not willing to climb the mountain to get there.
However, a mother at Blue Monarch has decided to climb that mountain. She puts on her combat boots every morning before the sun comes up when she would rather sleep. She struggles to get her kids ready for the day against all kinds of resistance. She maintains her Blue Monarch classes and recovery work, striving to apply every morsel. She does the heart work and digs into her soul to see why she made the choices that landed her in recovery.
She takes a deep breath before her kids return in the afternoon and greets them with enthusiasm even though she is afraid of the next outburst. She resists the temptation to strike back when her child pushes the limits, and she finds the strength to embrace her child in the midst of his rage, and tell him she loves him, even though it still feels uncomfortable to say the words out loud. And she does it all over again the next day because yesterday she saw a tiny glimpse of hope that her hard work was paying off – which may have been something as simple as, “I love you, Mama.”
That’s why the women of Blue Monarch are warriors. They climb that mountain, despite the painful hard work. And they get to relish that mountaintop experience – not because someone made it easy – but because they earned every bit of it, which they richly deserve.
But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded. 2 Chronicles 15:7
Susan Binkley is the Founder and President of Blue Monarch, a long-term, residential recovery program located in Tennessee. www.bluemonarch.org. Follow Blue Monarch and Susan Binkley on Facebook and Instagram
