As I looked into his big blue, tearful eyes, I knew I would never forget that moment. His distraught expression was one I had seen many times, but this was the first time I had seen it on a child.
The week before, Bentley had delivered a handwritten apology after he lost his temper and kicked a hole in the wall of his bedroom. Honestly, he was such a thin, wiry boy, it was hard to imagine he had the strength to do such a thing. But apparently, he could become strong as an ox if his temper got out of control.
That’s exactly what had happened, which resulted in the damage to the wall. When we picked apart the incident, it was a series of disappointments and frustrations that created the perfect storm for a child like Bentley. So, it was no wonder he spiraled out of control so quickly.
But even though Bentley’s apology note was sincere when he wrote it, he repeated the same thing only a few days later. And here he was in my office again with another apology.
The look in his eyes, as he stared into my own, was packed full of emotions. His expression screamed a desperate, “Why do I do this?!” He was genuinely sorry for what he had done. I could see his pain. But I could also see the shame, disappointment in his own actions, and hopelessness that whatever caused him to act like this might never go away. For the first time I found myself telling a child what I tell our moms all the time. “The way you feel today is temporary. I promise you won’t feel this way the rest of your life.”
In that moment, I had a brief vision of Bentley as an adult, perhaps delivering a similar apology to a future spouse after an angry outburst. I felt an urgency to stop the madness before he became a man, and we had a priceless opportunity to do so.
You see, like many of the children we serve, Bentley had experienced heartache, tremendous loss, rejection, and profound trauma that for some, could stretch an entire lifetime. But for him, they were packed into only a few short years leaving him older than his age.
One time, when we invited local police officers to visit our campus, they taught our kids how to use 911 in the case of an emergency. I wondered if they were prepared for Bentley’s immediate response: “I called 911 when my baby sister died!” He was barely old enough to understand how to use a phone when that tragic incident happened. It was probably that very day that Bentley felt the need to become a man – way before his time. No wonder he was angry. And no wonder it was so difficult for him to get that serious, intense look off his face and just be a kid.
You would think after all these years I would no longer have “Ah-Ha” moments. But I had one recently that beautifully sums up everything we do at Blue Monarch.
In the Bible, Jesus talks about the greatest commandment, which is to love God more than anyone or anything, and to always put him first. Well, that one sentence wraps up why some of our graduates are successful while others struggle. The ones who put him at the very center of every decision, every relationship, and every action become absolute rock stars, and they struggle less than the ones who don’t make God a priority. They experience blessings and opportunities that are remarkable and sometimes even surprising.
But Jesus also said the second commandment was just as important – to love others as we love ourselves. And there it is.
The women – and the children we serve, don’t love themselves so, it’s very difficult to love anyone else. How can a woman love her child when she doesn’t even love herself? And how can a child love his mom or others if he doesn’t love himself? After all, “Love your neighbor as yourself” isn’t a good thing if you hate yourself. It becomes “Hate your neighbor as yourself,” which explains a lot.
We strive to teach the Bentleys of Blue Monarch they are worthy of love, not just from others, but from themselves as well. Through time, patience, and intentional therapy, we walk alongside each child as he discovers who he is, what he loves and enjoys, and that he can even like himself.
And we teach the moms to forgive themselves, (after all, God has forgiven them), and to love themselves, too. It’s exciting to see a woman gradually discover who she really is – unique and beautiful. She begins to fall in love with the face in the mirror as if she is looking at herself for the very first time.
As it states in the Bible, if we get these two commandments right, the others will naturally fall into place. And that is exactly what we see at Blue Monarch. Putting God at the center grounds and protects every decision. Then, “Love your neighbor as yourself” becomes the piece that is so powerful, it literally changes the next generation. And with time, I believe in my heart it will change Bentley’s family as well.
Jesus replied, ” ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. The second, most important is similar: ‘Love your neighbor as much as you love yourself.’ All the other commandments and all the demands of the prophets stem from these two laws and are fulfilled if you obey them. Keep only these and you will find that you are obeying all the others.” Matthew 22:37-40
Susan Binkley, Founder and President of Blue Monarch – Long-term, residential recovery program for women and their children. 931.924.8900, bluemonarch.org
