When parents divorce, often there are deep pain points between the wife and husband, including years of problems and difficulties in the relationship. No matter how much the two adults have suffered in their relationship, the children need the freedom and opportunity to enjoy the relationship they have with each parent.
Emotionally, kids feel pulled apart and confused about what happened between their parents as well as who they have permission to keep loving. It is a very hard time for kids and one of the most important and kind things a parent can do is to encourage their shared children to love the other parent. Using words like, “We both love you” and “I know you will enjoy the time with your father” or “I know you will enjoy your time with your mother” are powerful gifts to kids when parents are divorced. Moms who choose to put their kids’ best interest above their own pain of the past, can help their children heal and thrive even after the family has divided. Fathers who are respectful to their children’s mother and encourage the children to love and obey their mother are the kind of dads that provide strong stability, even after a divorce.
In my professional work I help coparents learn to communicate and collaborate, with the focus of supporting their shared children, and the most important message I share is, “Your children need your permission to like and love everyone in their lives; please don’t make them pick favorites or make them feel bad about loving the other parent.” When that happens, children suffer. “Look for ways to continually advocate for your kids to love their other parent – that will help everyone and reap the best rewards for your kids as they grow up trying to make sense of all of the division.”
As we honor fathers in this month of June, may we always celebrate the love between a father and daughter and a father and son. If you know a single dad who may have recently gone through a separation or divorce, give him a call and cheer him on. And for all the granddads, stepdads, bonus dads, uncles and “mentor” dads, Happy Father’s Day to you as well. Keep investing in the young ones around you because kids need as much love and affirmation as possible.
Tammy Daughtry, MFT and Founder of CoParenting International.
