There are moments in your life that you think you are prepared for. Teenagers believe they are prepared for adulthood, parents believe they are prepared for their last or only child to leave the house, and expecting parents believe they are prepared for the new life they are bringing into this world. But when you sit and think about certain things, are or was you ever really prepared? We spend months and months getting ready for that next step in our lives, but when it happens, it turns out we are not prepared for the emotions that occur once reality hits.
I, myself, thought I was prepared for one of the biggest days of my life…my divorce. I mean, my husband and I had been separated for almost for 2yrs this May, had been calling him my ex-husband long before the divorce was final, and we both had moved on. I had praying and asking God not to make me bitter towards men or have this mindset of “all men are the same” like most women who have been hurt by men. I thought I was fine, I felt better than fine, I felt prepared. But when it came to the day to stand before the judge and I watched as the judge signed my divorce papers…it was more than I could bare.
Every type of emotion imaginable came over me except happy or relief. I felt angry, sad, disappointed, embarrassed, ashamed, and hurt. I had silently cried while sitting in the courtroom, because I never thought this would be me. We never think this could be any of us, and I looked at probably at least 10 other people sitting there waiting for their names to be called for the judge to do the same thing for them as she would for my ex-husband and I, but I put on a brave face, stood before the judge, and was given my divorce. I didn’t cry in the clerk office as I received my copy, and I didn’t cry as my ex-husband and I went our separate ways, but I broke down in my car. I cried to God and begged him to help me because I could feel the bitterness coming upon me. I was not angry with God, but angry with myself. I never wanted to become another statistic or participate in the growing divorce rate this country is facing, but what shocked me the most was, I thought I was prepared.
As I cried to God, I realized that we are never prepared for the emotions from reality. Yes, I’m the one who wanted a divorce, but some seemed to believe I was not entitled to have emotions. God made me realize that though Jesus had been preparing for everything his entire life, yet He still had emotions. Jesus knew everything that was going to happen, yet He was still cried out to God when it happened. So, though I was prepared for my divorce, I was not prepared for the emotions that would come from the reality of getting a divorce, and that is something you can never prepare for, and it’s okay. It’s okay to feel how you feel about certain things, no matter how long you have been preparing for it because we are never prepared for the emotions that come from the reality of the situations. We are all entitled to our emotions, and the important thing to do is to take what you have experienced and turn it into something good. I found that even by writing this article, it is helping me, because I’m taking what I felt and letting others know that it’s okay and you’re not alone. You’re entitled to how you feel, and that’s okay.
Dashia Brandon
