When I was a kid and was traveling back and forth between my divorced parents’ homes, it was always a bit of a challenge to wave goodbye. I often felt guilty for leaving one parent and going to the other and then felt that in reverse, waving goodbye and back to the other parent a few days or weeks later.
Kids who live between two homes, sometimes two states or even two countries, experience this wave goodbye hundreds of times in their childhood. It’s hard for kids and it’s hard for parents, too.
At Christmas, New Years, and big holidays, it is important for parents to remember the children take their emotional cues from you – – if you are sad or mad or stressed, they will feel that. If you can compartmentalize your own feelings until the wave is over and send them off to the other parent with an upbeat tone of voice, a smile on your face and a sense of joy, that will make it much easier for the kids. They need your emotional permission to come and go between the families and they don’t know how to ask you for it. It is hard for parents, but one of the THE nicest things you can give your children is your support and emotional permission to go see the “other family” and not make your children feel guilty for leaving you. Sometimes it might feel like you are being fake, but that is much easier on your shared children than having to worry about your emotions.
I encourage you to do some math and approximate how many transitions you will have with your children from now until they go to college… and then try to make them as pleasant as possible for the kids.
Part of what can make it easier is to have a “fun plan” for after they leave. Make plans with a friend or go see a movie or schedule yourself to volunteer at a local organization and serve – especially at the holiday time, shelters and community nonprofits are always needing extra hands and smiles to help the people they serve. I did that a few times when my daughter was away for a long Christmas with her dad – it was a great blessing to serve and I realized that I could make a difference in someone else’s life, even when I was a little blue in my own. I encourage you, as part of your new year’s resolutions to be intentional to give a happy wave goodbye and do something meaningful with your alone time. These two ideas will have a direct impact on your children, in a positive way! Happy New Year!
A companion on the co-parenting pathway,
Tammy Daughtry, MMFT / Founder, CoParenting International. For more info and free articles, see www.CoParentingInternational.com
